PIGEON

A Pigeon fell down my chimney and i almost had a heart attack

Found some GEMS

I was sorting through a load of old stuff and found this notebook. It was from when I was 11. Here are some of my personal favourite lines (all spelling and grammar mistakes uncorrected)...

"Hello to me next time i read this I am 11 years old almost 12 this is a secret book so if you name isn't Sonja Farrell do not procced and further thankyou" (i don't think i believed in punctuation)

The book then has various things to fill in

If you had to listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Craig David 7 days. (hahahaha)

If you were the richest person in the world what would you spend your money on?
Cloths

Then there is this abruptly ending story called "How the world came to be"

Over the mountains and down the valleys of the very top of mount dragon fire there was a tiny village were only 12 people lived. They were not like the people below the mountains a place they christened "hell" where big machines ruled the land where the land was covered in toxic waste people smoked and drunk and crime was at a high percentage no! they loved in heaven the place where animals thrith and birds sing beautil songs no waste no crime smoking and drinking didn't even exist and the people were happy. The 12 people's religion was called the fire breathing dragantariuns this isn't because the people breathed fire it is because they worshipped a fire reathing dragon. This story is about a little chinese dragantariun boy called Mark, he lived in the smallest family it was just him and his mother Dlina he didnt have a father well he did but he got sent down to hell because he said that the dragon breathed water and not fire and never went to the story ceremonies that everyone was ment to go to it was only twice a week mondays and fridays these days were Mark's favourite days because he loved hearing stories. The stories were told about the fire breathing dragon and how he used to rein heaven until about 100 years ago when he retired. some people say he's still alive and others don't they are stories of him breathing Amber flames out of huge nostrels and he get angry he sets hell alight to punish the evil.

It was Friday, the story ceremony was to start in 2 hours and Mark was eating his breakfast Dlina came into the room and reminded him to touch the religious stones this action had been passed down for generations

(then it just stops, i have NO idea where I was going with it)

Why I dislike Nigella Lawson and other stories.

Nigella Lawson

Before, I get called simply ‘jealous’ for disliking Nigella Lawson I would like to point out one small thing…I am NOT jealous of Nigella Lawson. Frankly, I find her a little gross. Her excessive finger licking and the way she almost stirs her food with her cleavage is so obvious that it becomes quite uncomfortable. I have a friend who worked on the set for one of her programmes and apparently, before they started filming they hoisted her up in this weird corset and then she went into a room to choose which cashmere jumper she’d wear for the day. This sort of ritual before filming a cookery programme seems a little absurd to me. So, the only good thing Nigella has done for anyone is upping the sales of cashmere jumpers and ‘spanx’ control tights and making the odd person remember that amazing R Kelly song ‘Sex in the Kitchen’.


Delia Smith
As bland as a potato, Delia has been called the Margaret Thatcher of the cooking world. She is the complete opposite to Nigella in her style, however, like Nigella, she can’t cook. When I saw her programme ‘how to cheat’ I was appalled when she showed how to make roast potatoes by emptying out a bag of frozen potatoes onto a baking tray and putting them in the oven!


Gordon Ramsey
I really love ‘Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares’ especially USA because it’s just such great tv. If people are going to run such disgusting and unhygienic restaurants then they deserve to be sworn and shouted at. However the programme is not so much about cooking but more about humiliation, but as long as you’re watching other people being humiliated I guess it’s okay. Although I do find it quite strange how at the end of the programme he’s so psyched up that he starts to act a bit like a rabbit which is on crack, with mixymatosis and caught in car headlights.


Anthony Worrall Thompson
The main problem I have with W T is that he resembles more a root vegetable than a human being. If you’re able to look past that,you still need subtitles before you can work out what he’s saying. I have a feeling that Robin Cook is his long lost brother…


Lloyd Grossman
Oh and who remembers master chef in the 90s where Lloyd Grossman had an actual waxwork of himself in the studio. This must have been where the celebrity chef arrogance all started. “Hey I can make sauce, worship my waxy idol.” I did use to like the odd impression when I was a kid. I remember vividly when I was in pre-prep doing a Lloyd Grossman impersonation in the dining hall to impress a boy in the year above. This didn’t work out and it ended up with me getting my first detention (He bent a load of spoons and put them under my chair then said I did it.)

Jamie Oliver
Then there’s Jamie Oliver. Poor, nervous, clammy, little Jamie. Some of the first viewers probably stumbled across his programme ‘The Naked Chef’ thinking it would contain naked cookery with a Eurotrashesque narration. But instead they find a sweaty, bumbling Jamie, not naked but wearing a GAP hoodie and some faded jeans. So did ‘Pucca’ catch on? No it didn’t, well maybe it did for a short time among estate agents at Foxton’s but even that’s a long-shot.
awww



Marco Pierre White
He runs around hell’s kitchen looking like an over-grown feral child playing Rambo with that stupid scarf around his head.

Gary Rhodes

No. I never got him. As a general life rule, I am not going to trust anyone on TV who has had the same hairstyle for more than 10 years. He looks completely ridiculous! I don’t know, maybe he’s got one up on the world, and when he has eaten a particularly stick in teeth dish he cracks off one of his hair spikes and uses it as a toothpick. There’s an amazing clip in Keith Floyd’s old show where Gary is just starting out as a chef and Floyd is so wasted on wine that he keeps calling him the wrong name. SO GREAT

Heston Blumenthal
Heston is a sex obsessed scientist before he is a chef. But ‘Heston’s feasts’ was one of the best programmes I’ve seen all year.


Hugh Fernley Whittingstall

Now he is more like it. I love Hugh, Hugh drives a Land Rover and takes the same train that I do up to London. He is like a countrified and much friendlier version of Marco Pierre White. I always admire people who go all out on whatever it is. His bird inside a bird inside a bird thing is a highlight.

Gary Rhodes
No. I never got him. As a general life rule, I am not going to trust anyone on tv who has had the same hairstyle for more than 10 years. He looks completely ridiculous! I don’t know, maybe he’s got one up on the world, and when he has eaten a particularly stick in teeth dish he cracks off one of his hair spikes and uses it as a toothpick.

It seems as though (just like all celebrities) the chefs mercifully cling to their gimmicks. Gordon Ramsey swears too much, Jamie Oliver plays the ‘guy next door’ Lloyd Grossman is the posh one and so on. There’s just one celebrity chef I have no problem with an that’s Rick Stein. Stein is perfect

R.P

Ok, Robert Pattinson is definitely sexy but i do find some things connected with him slightly ridiculous. First of all the whole sparkly face thing in 'Twilight' was (although alluring) pretty disappointing. I was hoping for something more like those dead pirates in 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. Also, Salvador Dali. What is this!?

I will go and see 'Little Ashes' and I hope that the moustache will look more convincing in motion.

Best overheard comment of the week

The fact that it was at Cheapskates made it even better...

"I've seen a lot of fucked up shit in my life, and trust me - I would know, cos i'm a Catholic."
WHAAAT?