YOU CLUMSY COCONUT

It's hard to believe for anyone who doesn't know Rosie, but occasionally her graceful, hands and long legs can actually end up doing some pretty clumsy stuff. Alcohol has been known to make 'her condition' worse. So far this holiday, I have to say, Rosie has been doing pretty well with a total of 5 acts of clumsy. A personal favourite was falling up the escalators in K-Mart and then dropping her sunglasses half way down to the bottom. But anyway, you can imagine my nerves skyrocketing when I come into the hotel room to find her lying on her bed with my new mac book pro on her lap and she had rested a massive can of coconut water by the mouse pad and was (i was like NO WAY MAN) TAKING A PICTURE OF IT! Luckily all danger was somehow miraculously avoided but it was a scary moment.



Here's the proof.

NICHOLAS CAGE YOU CAGE MY HEART

SUPER-SURREAL ALMOST CAR CRASH

I was in the car earlier, crusin' past some houses when this massive (like double the size of a normal) greyhound came out of no where and bounded in front of my car. I was so certain that I had imagined it that I looked over to see if it was there and suddenly this car was right in front of me and there was no way we would both get past each other. luckily I just stopped in time, but that really would of been the most embarrassing crash ever (after crashing with a smart car of course) I swear though...this greyhound was the size of a horse!

THAT 24HR TESCO FEELING

Yes, I had hummus and pitta bread for dinner and watched a horror film this evening. Chickpeas and freaky children, what a mental night! I've spent the last 4 days deciding whether it's really worth driving the 0.8 miles to Tesco to buy...milk, blu-tac, gold paint, pens, a big piece of paper and a hosepipe. These things are not essentials but are materials that can provide me with more daytime activities. Mainly, drinking tea, sticking photos to my wall, painting my sofa legs gold and creating a massive yet intricate flow diagram for Bosie. The hosepipe is now useless, due to the rain.

Right now, i'm in bed and again, i'm thinking...shall i go to Tesco? Going to a supermarket in the suburbs after midnight I reckon would be quite entertaining. I really can't think what type of people will be there. Maybe a load of people buying sharpies and gold paint like me. Maybe i'll meet a new freind in the 'seasonal' aisle.

I've been going through my options in my head and trying to decide if it's worth it...(which it definitely isn't) and now I realise why I can't bring myself to go over there. It's because of what happened the last time I went...I was happily perusing down the shampoo ailse when they started playing THE TING TINGS and Cyndi Lauper! Get a grip Tesco! I think the experience was all the more traumatic because they kept shouting "will Sonja please come to the front desk."

I was in a heady scent of herbal essences fruit fusions with 'girls just wanna have fun' blasting from the ceiling and my name being said over and over again. That was at 4 on a Sunday afternoon, God knows what kind of things they play after midnight on a weekday. Think i'll stay at home! Will someone visit me soon!

THE RUNNING PIC (A SUB-GENRE TO THE MIRROR PIC)

Me and Rosie have always been fans of the mirror pic, especially when the mirror is convex...

BUT, a drunken running montage down Sunset Blvd. can be just as entertaining.

We had just left Bardot where we met the slimy limpets which I mentioned before. It was a Sunday night, and we were hell bent on going to 'in-and-out-burger' for some fried onion treats. The road was long and pretty empty of pedestrian obstacles so we decided to indulge in some running pics.







Me aged 12 with Bosie my imaginary friend


Crack mom and social worker

By this point, it was getting a little out of hand and so you can imagine how embarrassing it was when a car full of people that were at a bar with us earlier pulled up. They must have been like 'errrr, what the fuck is going on with these weirdos!?' Anyway, they informed us that in-and-out-burger wasn't going to be open at 2am on a Sunday night and asked us if we wanted to go to one of their houses in Beverly Hills for some more drinks. At first, the head rush and exhaustion caused by the high speed running blurred our judgement and we hesitated around the offer, but when it had sunken in that we weren't going to get any onion treats we accepted.

That is what's so great about L.A, we can be complete freaks and people still want to hang out with us. It's so much effort in London wading through all the people who are too concerned with how cool they are to bother chatttting to ya. TAKE ME BACK!

STACKIN' IT ON SUNSET

One of the top 5 BEST things that happened in L.A which made me laugh to crying point was when Rosie stacked it on Sunset Blvd. It was so unexpected, and it is SO GREAT that i actually have before, during and after shots of the moment.

I'm not sure what it is about falling over that is so hilarious. But i don't know one person who doesn't have to actively suppress an outburst of laughter when they see someone trip up (even if it is a complete stranger).

Before I continue, I should point out that it is not funny when someone ends up really hurting themselves. Laughing at an old person who has just speedily descended some icy stairs to a hip replacement is NOT OK. Saying that, some (insecure) people have picked up on this point and so they pretend they have hurt themselves when they fall over to try and avoid embarrassment. This approach actually makes it more hilarious.

For example, I'm talking about the Liverpool Street office worker who has slipped on a pair of white trainers for a smart/caj jog home to their Canary Wharf tower block...they happen to run past a massive window behind which, colleagues and fellow co-workers are having a very important meeting that they are supposed to be at BUT THEN, just at that moment when his office crush catches his eye, a stray hub-cap of a recently-crashed smart car rolls past his feet and causes him to fall over into an extremely undignified and embarrassing slip n slide. NOW WHAT DOES HE DO?! He's on his own, so if he laughs he'll look crazy, if he runs on pretending it didn't happen he might run the risk of being stopped by the driver of the smart car for a sincere apology. But pretending that he's hurt is the worst move ever! It will draw the attention of all of his colleagues behind the window and they will be asking him how his foot is all week, he might have to pretend to have a limp for a few days or maybe try to get crutches from the hospital to add some realism to his lie.

There are a few lessons to learn about tripping up:

1) If you are fortunate enough to trip whilst walking, then simply break out into a light jog, act like you're trying to catch a nearby bus.

2)If you're with a friend or a member of your family, you're in luck, because you have someone to laugh about the slip up with and then you can quickly move on.

3)Only draw attention to the fact that you've hurt yourself if you are a)unable to hold back tears or b)physically hindered from moving off in a suave and collected manner

4)Don't wear a suit and trainers

5)Don't try and do 'jumping pictures' whilst wearing sandals...

Woah, I went off topic but point 5 Brings it back around again. You see, Rosie tried to take part in an 'action-jump-shot' whist wearing sandals. And without further ado. Here is the evidence...

Way too moody and cool for falling over


Uh ohhhh, trying to jump in sandals Rosie?


The awkward pulling up the trousers shot



Just thinking about it makes me laugh again.

SAWN OFF COYOTE FACES AND BEBE CROC HEADS

VENICE BEACH



On our last day we went to Venice Beach mainly to check out hot old bod and use the public toilets (not)we went cos it was really sunny and hot and who doesn't like to go the beach when the weather's good. Venice beach is a pretty spiritual place underneath all the baby oil and comedy glasses. There were lots of little tables with people selling things from dream-catchers to dried moths. One man offered to make us a bag out of pony skin, which we politely declined.

Spoilt for choice


We took a sunny stroll down the seafront on the search for presents for family and freinds, and don't get me wrong, there were a LOT of sweet keyrings but they were rusty and overpriced. The best shop was this MEGA SPIRITUAL place which had denim shirts with embroidered wolf heads and dreamcatchers on the backs of them. I really could've seen my Dad re-inventing himself with one of those.

The best man we met had this stall with a bebe croc head on it, it was only $20 and i reeeeallly wanted it but i'm not sure how it wouldv'e been taking it into the country so i had to leave it. We asked him how he aquired it and he said he lopped it off himself! haha.(what a zen guy) He had about 3 teeth and reminded me of that John Laroch character in 'Adaptation'.

Rosie texin home about how great Venice Beach is



END